The Issue of Race While Married to a Narcissist

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

There are many things you have to deal with while being married to a narcissist. With all of the gaslighting, blame shifting, emotional and verbal abuse a narcissistic relationship entails, that’s enough to handle just by itself. But, when you’re an interracial couple and your partner is a narcissist, there’s an additional challenge to endure. Especially, when you are an African American female married to a Caucasian male in America. That challenge can create even more difficulty after the relationship ends. Unexpected challenges that could not be predicted but were there all along and present themselves over time in the most toxic ways. 

The Beginning

I met my ex-husband through online dating. He was from small town America with a population so small it couldn’t even be defined as a city. Needless to say, there was little to no diversity in this town and more than likely a lot of very old stereotypes helped lay the foundation for this community. The local high school science teacher actually taught the kids African Americans can jump high playing basketball because they have an extra bone in their feet. I don’t know if it was his fascination with people of color or his curiosity that enticed him to date outside of his race but whatever the reason he set his sights on me. 

His first interracial relationship was with a Hispanic female in high school. His parents immediately put the hammer down on that relationship citing, “she was using him.” She was from a poor family and he could do better was the narrative. “Poor'' meant a minority wrapped in an economic status that placed the woman of his affections as a negative just by existing in her racial makeup and current economic state. 

Fast forward, five years later and I meet this innocent looking young man on a dating site. He doesn’t list his location as his small town, he lists the location he’s moving to. My city, over 500 miles away. He moved to my city not long after we met online. We met, we dated, and we fell in love. Or, so I thought. There were a number of red flags along the way that really made me question if he ever really loved me. When you consider how narcissists prey on their potential victims and become everything a potential mate is looking for in a significant other, it really makes you question the true authenticity of your relationship. It’s been said that narcissists are incapable of love and based on my experience, I’m inclined to believe that.

The Stigma of Interracial Dating

When my ex-husband first introduced me to his family. His mother was immediately dismayed. What would the neighbors think was her first reaction? Then, she went into the stigma of the kids and how society would never accept them. We were essentially intentionally sending our kids to damnation by choosing to bring them into this world. She cried for days and days constantly trying to convince her son to break up with me (one of many red flags I missed - narcissistic mother). Now, on top of all the issues of being with a narcissist, you now have the additional toxicity of racism added to it. 

The Narcissist Emerges

As the years progressed, I noticed changes in the man I married. He became very controlling and emotionally abusive although at the time, I didn’t know what to call what I was experiencing in my marriage. I thought his maltreatment of me was my fault. He also displayed extreme favoritism to our daughter and treated my son horribly. 

As my son progressed into his teenage years, he began to grow his hair out and became interested in hip hop music. “You need to cut your hair,” my ex-husband would repeatedly tell him. “Why do you have that ‘fro?” “Turn off THAT music!” If my son turned on a hip hop or R&B song on the radio in the car, the station was immediately changed. “We’re not listening to that nonsense!” My ex-husband would sneer as if my son was doing something wrong or illegal. Etched into these behaviours and responses is the family that enabled him and perpetuated stereotypes that he never relinquished, despite the fact that he married and had children with me. In some way, he was saving me by marrying me and taking me into a new, better status. In reality, I was the upgrade that uplifted his social and economic status. 

Racial Identity Denied

When I tried to teach my kids about African American history and their culture, I was immediately shut down. “Why does everything have to be about race?” He would often say denying my kids a part of who they were. He even went so far as to put their racial identity as “white” on application forms whereas I always identified them as both races never denying their racial makeup.

My children grew up terrified to be themselves in their own home. In addition to having to survive the consistent put downs and live up to the unrealistic standards set by their father, they couldn’t embrace their own identities. They scurried to turn off music if dad walked into their room and changed the TV station if it was tuned to an urban show. Everything they enjoyed related to their culture had to be a secret to avoid dad’s wrath. 

Not only did my children have to grow up dealing with a father who went into narcissistic rages at the drop of a dime, gaslighted and made them feel inadequate in every shape or form, but they grew up having to hide their racial identity in their own home. Something no child should ever have to experience.

Newfound Strength

I finally found the strength to leave my marriage after 16 years of abuse. I am proud of my children for finding their own identity despite the roadblocks their dad threw at them along the way. They continue to learn about their African American heritage and are finally free to be themselves. I still feel guilty for subjecting my kids to years of abuse, but I can’t beat myself up forever. I too was trying to survive in a household where you continuously walked on eggshells trying to avoid that next episode of narcissistic rage terrifying you into submission.

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